Tag Archives: kaisha

I am a Rockstar…! (…but that’s only Inside my Head)

Here’s a bit of rebellion, the perfect pick-me-upper when you are holed up inside a very staid environment:

heavy, studded boots 🙂

I wore my new plaid dress (a gift from my cousin) and paired it with black tights and studded goth boots to work last Friday. Given the option wearing the usual shirt/blouse-jeans-flats combo, I’d rather call in sick than look like probably half of my office mates.

The past week has been very trying as always. Most of the week, I feel like I am in school and I am being graded for what I did and I didn’t do. I have a to do list so long that I reckon I won’t be able to finish anything. Sorry to rant again, as you know — I really have no recourse but to do my ranting here.

Where was I? Yes, my insistence to where my scary Goth boots to work. I bought it for only less than USD4 (PHP150) so it’s a steal. Saw it in a newly discovered thrift shop and was super elated to find it UNUSED — as in there were still tags attached to it. I reckon that the person who originally owned it got buyer’s remorse when she saw how the boots really looked like — FYI, the silver stud thingy are tiny skulls embedded around each boot. I. FREAKING. LOVED. IT.

The plaid dress was from my cousin and she gave it to me after she noticed how much I’ve been eyeing that particular piece. The black tights is an old pair I usually overuse and is in serious need of a replacement.

Last Friday, I came to work with an unruly head of dirty blond hair (fresh from shower and carelessly combed), my “rockstar outfit”, my goth boots and the darkest scowl you could find this side of Manila, Philippines. I knew that it was a day of playing by antiquated rules, people-pleasing and standards-drafting. A year into the job, I am finally feeling the squareness of everything. I am also pressured to become more assertive, playing the game of office politics–which I truly, truly detest.

What is it anyway—the business of climbing the office ladder and slowly turning into a corporate drone. More than anything, I am averse to the people-pleasing, the need to get “high grades”, of “reassuring marks”.

These latest developments made me realize that I must be really meant to work for a more creative environment, one where creativity is more encouraged than questioned. I get frustrated with the long approval period, the endless turn over of ideas…the need to define and redefine.

Sadly, there are days when I catch my own self asking, “why was I hired again?”

A year into the job, people are apparently still asking what I do. Before it was amusing, but now–it’s simply annoying. If people can’t still comprehend what I do, not my problem anymore. I will not waste time explaining to people with brains the size of pea pods.

Maybe I should ansser, “I am the office’s resident rock star. I was hired to make your lives interesting.”

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Winning the battle, losing the war…

Let me tell you something about good ol’ kaisha–it is good to people who serve it well and without question, but quite ruthless to those who dare to be different or not comfort to the pack. Like really nifty scientists out of a sci-fi movie, the powers-that-be mold and develop people to be unquestioning warm bodies. To think as ruthlessly and as shrewdly as the Bi-Centennial Man. People who find this odd, weird or even disturbing are usually the first people to go.

People come and go, sometimes as fast as they first appeared on the dimly-lit, claustrophobia-inducing hallways of the kaisha. Sometimes, they try to leave as quickly as they’ve arrived but the impressive machinations, countless dramas and depressing schemes will get in the way. Well, the roster of so-called “quitters” has been beefed up once again with the departure of two of my friends (effectively leaving my friend count to one person–I kid you not). While I thoroughly agree that people will eventually come and go and we really shouldn’t force people to stay in their job if they don’t want to–a part of me is asking if you can consider this as winning a particular battle, but (in the end) losing a particularly difficult war.

Yeah, your 8 to 5 suffering might be over–but what about the day after your last in the office? Who knows what the next job will bring? It can be exactly like the one you absolutely hate, thus repeating an endless process of hating and leaving, hating or leaving.

Just another day

It’s another wonderful day at the amazing kaisha….so amazing in fact that I am tempted to just run away during lunch and never come back. Maybe feign abduction from the alien race? I did something really sneaky today and wow, it was worth going through the complicated questions I had to efficiently duck just to “get away with it”.

Everyday, it’s there. The feeling that I am destined for something bigger other than kowtowing to the powers that be, and arranging transpo and messengerial requirements for happy, happy clients. I told my dad one time about the things I am up to (professional wise) and he said, “when will you finally be contented?” It was a question that made me do a double take and take a stock on things. When, indeed?

Maybe when I am 85 and in my death bed? I don’t know–is it a bad thing, to be continuously in a pursuit for something bigger and better than what you currently have? I always tell myself that I won’t ever settle, even if it kills me. But when is it finally enough? I can’t tell you how much it bothers me to be always on a “search” for the perfect kaisha. Cos I know there’s no chance in hell that I’d ever find one: there will always be weird and bitchy colleagues, an equally weirder powers that be, challenges and all the shitty things neatly rolled in between. But know what, I just want to find a semblance of order and justice and respect, that is enough for me.

Have you ever got the feeling that the world is running too fast and it’s leaving you struggling on its tracks. I always feel like that: that the world is evolving and changing without me. There are days when I feel like I am being left alone and everyone is moving forward with their life and respective careers. Maybe this is where my insane fear of failing comes from. Who wants to be failure, anyway? And even if as much as I hate killing myself for being such an effing workaholic, I kinda had my career plans down path and thus has no intention of leading my dream life as a professional beach bum and backpacker.

And so, another God-forsaken day has passed me by. I am still a nice bundle of frayed nerves and slightly antagonistic. I am thisclose to pulling a fast one, especially if the Bi-Centennial Man doesn’t stop tormenting me with his over the top posturings on not-so important things.