For times when I keep on questioning His presence in my life:
I mentioned how I am pretty much in the dumps today. I mean who wouldn’t get depressed if you’ve just been told that you are grossly overweight, bordering on morbidly obese; that there is a probability that you can’t procreate because all the fat build-up inside your body is wrecking havoc on your ovaries and fertility; that you have zero balance in your bank account; you have to pay a lot of debts due to money you lost due to your carelessness… sorry, for ranting but this has been very therapeutic for me.
For times like this, I question why I have to go through all this shit. I think I am a pretty good person, so going through all these right after the high of going on a trip of a lifetime is pretty depressing for me. I am not an evil person — the most evil I can get is fantasizing on pushing a person off the penthouse floor of my office building, but that’s basically it.
I read somewhere earlier that maybe we should stop expecting the Lord to respond in our time, when we should accept that He works mysteriously according to His time, beyond our comprehension and beyond our time. Psalm 46:10 says, “Be Still And Know that I am God…” maybe I should listen to guidance. Maybe for this time, I need to shut up, stop fretting about things and just wait for God’s answer. I am sure even right now, He is helping me, guiding me and loving me — even if I am overweight and can be a bitch sometimes.