You’re standing on my neck

Ever caught Daria on the old MTV back in 1997 to 2002?
I love this show and when I was back in university, I can always relate to Daria Morgendorffer and her best friend Jane Lane. This in spite the fact that I used to dress like Britney (the dumb blonde cheerleader) back in uni and I was still 80 lbs lighter (I was intensely malnourished when I was still a student). Daria, the protagonist in this brilliant cartoon, is a smart, sarcastic and anti-social teen trying to navigate the tricky world of Lawndale, most especially Lawndale High, her school.

You bet I can relate to her to a T. I was a smart, sarcastic, slightly neurotic college student who secretly listened to Weezer and BackStreet Boys at the same time. I was mostly anti-social and kept to my group so you can say that Daria is a template that I subscribe to.

Fast forward ten years later and 70 pounds heavier, why do I suddenly feel like being transported to my teenage angst and my posturings as Daria once again?

I guess blame it on the loneliness. I always pride myself of not conforming to the silly machinations of work. I don’t do cliques and I don’t do that “pack mentality” that seemed to be prevalent in the corporate world as much as it is in high school. Though I used to be part of a group of “bullies” (and I say that with affection) in one of my old workplaces and I still miss these people to pieces, I just can’t bring myself to grit my teeth and be part of a giggling gaggle of girls who shriek in the middle of work day?

Because, it’s not my thing.

How old were you when the luster of blowing 15 days worth of salary on a ritzy club lost it’s appeal? Suddenly, from the “raver” of yore, I can no longer stand the “tugs-tugs-tugs”, the dancing, the shouting way of speaking to each other (i.e. “whaaaaaaaat? i can’t hear you!!!!”), the over priced food and the stale beer. I refuse to think it was due to getting married because the hubby allows me to go out if I want to.

It’s just not really my thing.

I am happy being alone most times. Eating on my own, without waiting for people to decide where the eff to go. I love my solitude and the independence of coming and going as I please. I love that I don’t have to hear who said what and when and if it’s a good thing. I don’t like the commitment of staying true to your group’s “code”–what ever that is. I hate hearing shrieking girls at two in the freaking afternoon just as I was trying to concentrate on finishing a PR proposal. Yes, you might probably think that I am a sad, lonely bitch who will one day die alone on her office desk — I can’t help you, you are entitled to your opinion.

I am happy and contented. That is until we had our company outing and I ended up sitting alone on the bus and talking to myself.

Lah-lah-lah-lah-lah…

Don’t get me wrong — I have good friends (in exact, those who didn’t resigned) at the office.People I talk to on a daily basis, exchange jokes and wrapped snacks and even plot evil campaigns over polishing our performance appraisal forms. But dang it, these same people cannot be trusted to attend the outing — as in everyone ditched it in favor of something more worthwhile. While I, the so-called rebel, donned the company shirt with the effed-up logo, sat on a bus alone for two and a half hours and gritted my teeth for being there.

Maybe it’s seeing people in groups enjoying themselves and taking pictures or eating packed meals together that got me. It’s sad when no one’s there to take your pictures or shoot the breeze with you on a two and half hour trip going to God-knows-where. I missed my friends who resigned and who was still with the company two summers ago. I missed not having someone to talk to and make fun of people with. I ended up so bored and so bummed that I ended up going home early. M, the other person in my department brought a car and I ended up bumming a ride from him. I was not sorry I left. In fact, I was more than relieved that I didn’t had to stay.

People, I really can’t stand them sometimes.