Great Expectations

pic not mine
pic not mine

I woke up this morning due to the insistent buzzing of the mobile phone. It was my best friend in the other line, flushed excitement and happiness. She is finally expecting — finally, after 3 years of marriage and a bad miscarriage. Like a good friend, I texted her back and offered my congratulations. It is after I sent my message did I realize how much my heart ached with jealousy.

The world has a way of playing its cruel jokes. I switch on the TV and there in the news are stories about dead babies being found of church doors; of teenagers getting knocked up after a drunken night of debauchery; of lucky few who say, “but I didn’t want to get pregnant and it just happened…!”

“It” – like having a child inside your belly is a minor inconvenience.

Quite honestly, I don’t know what to feel anymore.It’s simply ironic when snot-nosed teenagers start procreating and here I am, still waiting for the day when it will be my turn. I checked — the doctor confirmed that there’s nothing wrong with me or the hubby. “It just wasn’t time…yet.”

Curious and (may I add) heartless know-it-all’s would offer a theory that maybe it is my weight. So I join a fitness club, counted my calories and ran 5 kilometer marathons to shed off weight. Meanwhile, a good friend (who weights twice as I do) gets pregnant without much ado. The others would offer a different route, “maybe it’s because you work too much…” , so I try to cut my schedule and avoid working on weekends. Meanwhile, one of the managers in the office (yes, the exact same one who works eleven hours a day) announces that she is pregnant with her second child.

If the universe is playing a joke on me and my ovaries, please stop now.

In this country where I live, long-lost friends, relatives and random colleagues greet each other by stating the obvious and the most miserable aspect of your life. Hence, greetings usually range from “…how did you get so fat?” to “…why aren’t you married yet? don’t you have a boyfriend?” to the one that best applies to us: “….you’v been married xx years already, why don’t you have children yet? is there a problem with you two?” I know, they are not being rude but when you hear the same question over and over and over again, it will eventually find a way to break your heart. You also start wishing that you can punch them in the eye whenever they ask you this question. The funny thing is people don’t usually get it when they’re being insensitive and rude. They won’t notice that your eyes will lose its sparkle that you will try to change the conversation or worse, slink back somewhere where you’ll never risk a chance of running to everyone you know. Some times, I manage to come up with a witty comeback. But most times, I get crippled with despair, and will try my best to move on from the nagging sense of sadness. Most times, I try to ignore them, brush off the question and move on (or run away!)

So while I wait for my time, for God’s perfect time, I try not to think too much about it. Which is quite hard when you are surrounded by pregnant ladies at work; when the lady sitting next to you on public transpo sports a giant baby belly or when people you know started posting pictures of pregnancy tests with two red strips or results of the Ultrasound on their Facebook pages.

Whether you like it or not, it will test your nerves. The best thing you can do is hold on tight, believe that all things are possible and remain optimistic. God has a way with miracles.

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4 Comments

    1. thanks, F. i guess these are the days when i can’t shake the feeling of envy and of desperation. doesn’t help that i am surrounded by women with protruding bellies. Hay naku 😦 but God has a plan right?

      thanks for the hugs! needed it 🙂

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