The Unbearable Darkness of Being Me

Sometimes, life feels like being stuck in a train station bound to nowhere
(Me, freezing in Gapyeong Station, South Korea, March 2012)

I come to realize that I have resorted to cannibalizing my life just to have material for this blog.
Forget that my job is unbelievable exciting, it can drive me to coma just thinking about it–or the fact that while I possess a slightly higher post, I always end up feeling like an overworked race horse. Forget that I only get a semblance of lifeline in my veins when the words “travel” and “overseas” crop up in conversations. Yes, even if at 32 years old–my bank account is probably equal to the lifetime savings of a six year old. And yes, forget that I am a sickly, midly-neurotic, terribly-OC, crowd-hating, anti-social bitch who’d rather keep the company of cats than most humans.

Something happened at work last week which unfortunately I cannot divulge in full detail since this will be in violation of the company’s communication standards–one, unsurprisingly, developed by yours truly. This “incident” made me realize that I am working with indecisive, lackadaisical people who don’t know the meaning of the word “Urgent”. To say that I am severely disappointed is again, an understatement. Suffice to say, never have I been so desperate to win the fucking lottery than now.

I posted last week that I will be weeding clothes from my closet. Upon close inspection earlier, I’ve realized that maaaaaaaan–I have a lot of stupid stuff. Maybe that’s why I don’t have anything to wear most days! I don’t know why I even bought close to half of those items. They are just so fucking terrible. And yes, people I inhale air with says I dress well.

The thing is, I have been very annoyingly serious recently–I don’t know if it’s because I grew tired of being my usual weird and immature self or I am currently in the midst of a really bad mid-life crisis or this is just a phase.

Basta, I wanna grow up, period

In spite the recent setbacks, I really want to think positive ala The Secret. If that book highlighted attracting good vibes from the universe just by claiming it…my strategy is not only to claim is but also to be convinced that yes, I am deserving of receiving good things: like winning the lotto, or having a child. I know it will happen. I know it will be possible. I just have to believe it, pray for it and wait for the RIGHT TIME!

There are days when I have to be an optimist, when I have to be believe in the beauty of things and the probability of things. I am not exactly my own biggest fan, but I knew deep inside that before I can love anyone or anything else, I have to start with myself.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s