Raising my glass to Life

Things have been very hectic for me lately–work wise. I won’t even go to my finances current state right now cos this post is not really meant to be a pity party. Well. I am almost tempted to throw myself one–glossing over the fact that I am still a complete idiot at an age when I should be acting more like a functioning adult. But then again I realized that the fact that my current bank account resembles the Philippine coffers is really my own doing — I have been quite careless with spending lately, and with another upcoming travel looming in the horizon, it’s really time for me to save-up.

I used to worry also about what people at the office think about me — the blond-haired chick wearing weird office clothes who usually don’t speak to anyone. Anyone pretty much has their own interpretation, but at my age I learned not to care what other effing thing. I think it’s funny when we put assumptions on other people and we keep on waiting for them to validate our judgment. I learned to go with my instinct and do what I want to do. Eff conforming to anyone. My reasoning was, as long as I don’t break the rules or harming anyone, then — I am all good.

Such coincidence when I saw this picture when trawling the world wide web:

pic not mine

The words above summarized what I feel about life. I’ve been bothered these past few days about what I’ve been doing professionally–only to realize that this actually is an answered prayer. I made it a point to walk away from any job that made me miserable. This time, I am sticking around. However, I also realized that there’s tons to learn. That I am also an immature bitch who needed to be more professional commensurate to my position as a manager. I may not have the job of my dreams (i.e. a travel writer) but I have a job that I know well and which makes me very happy. I should be contented.

I should learn to take care of myself, and of my health. More than the “procreate” issue that’s been haunting me for as long as I am married, I don’t want to be someone who battled illnesses left and right. Earlier during a budget deliberation meeting which I attended (and which nearly gave me nose bleed — more on this later), I had the misfortune of sitting in front of my office mate who is a bit obese. While I was trying to fight sleep and retain snippets of the meeting which sounded to me like it was explained in Tamil (cos it involved numbers), I can hear him gasping for breath, wheezing, whining and producing weird sounds coming from his throat and nose. Maybe he couldn’t breathe or something? I was worried that he might be gasping or that he simply couldn’t expel air well. I was worried that he was choking! A really talented writer, my office mate obviously needed a bit of losing the extra poundage the same way that I needed to lose my paunch. Hearing him gasp for breath made me bow to watch my health more closely.

In two weeks time, I will accompany mum and dad to Foreign Affairs to get their passports. Step 2 in my quest to bring them out of the country, especially my dad who is 61 years old already. Raised to a life of poverty, my dad is amused that he is about to experience travel abroad. With my meager salary, I shall pay for their tickets (as my Christmas gift) and I know that this trip to HK will deplete my already-depleted resources. I have faith that I will be able to pull this off, as I will do everything just to make my parents experience life’s little pleasures. I vowed that dad has to get on that plane THIS YEAR while he still can and while he can still enjoy the sights and sounds of a foreign country. I know God will help me make this possible.

Life leaves me wanting more — and sometimes bereft of any kind of emotion. Sometimes, I am like a twig tossed from wave to wave– while at times, I am like that angry salmon pushing and pulling against the current just to reach the next destination.

I have lots of hang-ups, agitations, could have been’s….

Sometimes, I pray that I win the lottery and lift my parents out of this working-class-hell.

In spite of this, I am alive and raising my glass to one hell of a life.


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