Do you get depressed whenever your birthday rolls around?
Because I seriously, seriously do. My birthday is not until next week, but I am already experiencing obvious signs of depression and melancholia. As you probably know, I have a lot on my plate right now…let’s not even got to my current miserable existence as the Kaisha “whipping girl extraordinaire”. The world really does know how to put the high and mighty to their rightful place — because from my previous position as the (former) kaisha’s Queen BEEtch, I am now the whipping girl who gets to be humiliated on a daily basis. And I don’t get to do anything to even salvage parts of my wrecked ego (which by now is 10,000 leagues under the sea of shame).
It’s the end of the fourth month of the year, but surprisingly — it felt like it was November 2010 again, and I was miserable and fearing for my career. Yes, I have a deficiency when it comes to making informed choices that will improve my life. It’s a liability that tends to set me back quite a lot.
With this deep, deep funk that I am in– I seriously no longer harbor illusions of even wishing for anything closely material for my upcoming birthday. Oh wait, there’s are a few, I forgot, that I wish to get for free next week: tickets to the Incubus concert on July 28 and Anthony Bourdain’s books (I already have Kitchen Confidential). Other than that, I AM GOOD.
My wishes for my birthday are mostly for my peace of mind and for my future. I really want to find my peace of mind, and until I am Kaisha poster girl for extreme pathetic-ness, this will never be possible. So everyday, I try to ask Him to please show me what He wants me to do, and I’ll be more than glad to follow His will. Just steer me in the right direction, and I’ll gladly be on my way.