It’s another wonderful day at the amazing kaisha….so amazing in fact that I am tempted to just run away during lunch and never come back. Maybe feign abduction from the alien race? I did something really sneaky today and wow, it was worth going through the complicated questions I had to efficiently duck just to “get away with it”.
Everyday, it’s there. The feeling that I am destined for something bigger other than kowtowing to the powers that be, and arranging transpo and messengerial requirements for happy, happy clients. I told my dad one time about the things I am up to (professional wise) and he said, “when will you finally be contented?” It was a question that made me do a double take and take a stock on things. When, indeed?
Maybe when I am 85 and in my death bed? I don’t know–is it a bad thing, to be continuously in a pursuit for something bigger and better than what you currently have? I always tell myself that I won’t ever settle, even if it kills me. But when is it finally enough? I can’t tell you how much it bothers me to be always on a “search” for the perfect kaisha. Cos I know there’s no chance in hell that I’d ever find one: there will always be weird and bitchy colleagues, an equally weirder powers that be, challenges and all the shitty things neatly rolled in between. But know what, I just want to find a semblance of order and justice and respect, that is enough for me.
Have you ever got the feeling that the world is running too fast and it’s leaving you struggling on its tracks. I always feel like that: that the world is evolving and changing without me. There are days when I feel like I am being left alone and everyone is moving forward with their life and respective careers. Maybe this is where my insane fear of failing comes from. Who wants to be failure, anyway? And even if as much as I hate killing myself for being such an effing workaholic, I kinda had my career plans down path and thus has no intention of leading my dream life as a professional beach bum and backpacker.
And so, another God-forsaken day has passed me by. I am still a nice bundle of frayed nerves and slightly antagonistic. I am thisclose to pulling a fast one, especially if the Bi-Centennial Man doesn’t stop tormenting me with his over the top posturings on not-so important things.