Just another day

It’s another wonderful day at the amazing kaisha….so amazing in fact that I am tempted to just run away during lunch and never come back. Maybe feign abduction from the alien race? I did something really sneaky today and wow, it was worth going through the complicated questions I had to efficiently duck just to “get away with it”.

Everyday, it’s there. The feeling that I am destined for something bigger other than kowtowing to the powers that be, and arranging transpo and messengerial requirements for happy, happy clients. I told my dad one time about the things I am up to (professional wise) and he said, “when will you finally be contented?” It was a question that made me do a double take and take a stock on things. When, indeed?

Maybe when I am 85 and in my death bed? I don’t know–is it a bad thing, to be continuously in a pursuit for something bigger and better than what you currently have? I always tell myself that I won’t ever settle, even if it kills me. But when is it finally enough? I can’t tell you how much it bothers me to be always on a “search” for the perfect kaisha. Cos I know there’s no chance in hell that I’d ever find one: there will always be weird and bitchy colleagues, an equally weirder powers that be, challenges and all the shitty things neatly rolled in between. But know what, I just want to find a semblance of order and justice and respect, that is enough for me.

Have you ever got the feeling that the world is running too fast and it’s leaving you struggling on its tracks. I always feel like that: that the world is evolving and changing without me. There are days when I feel like I am being left alone and everyone is moving forward with their life and respective careers. Maybe this is where my insane fear of failing comes from. Who wants to be failure, anyway? And even if as much as I hate killing myself for being such an effing workaholic, I kinda had my career plans down path and thus has no intention of leading my dream life as a professional beach bum and backpacker.

And so, another God-forsaken day has passed me by. I am still a nice bundle of frayed nerves and slightly antagonistic. I am thisclose to pulling a fast one, especially if the Bi-Centennial Man doesn’t stop tormenting me with his over the top posturings on not-so important things.

5 thoughts on “Just another day

  1. Lans,

    Your father’s question has merit and I do hope you take it into heart… The reason I guess for your father’s question is, just like him, I am afraid for you… I have seen this, rather I am seeing this scenario with my sister… When will you be satisfied? Perhaps the caution on this question is… You might be too busy yearning for something bigger and something brighter… that you might tend to forget to appreciate the ones that you already have… You might be forgeting to savor the people around you since you are always bemoaning on the fact that the world is tilting on it’s axis and you are always ending up cleaning other people’s sh*t…

    A word of caution my friend… I don’t want for you to be like my sister… Accomplishing nothing and she’s already 40 years old… Lucky you… you already have a very supportive hubby and a family who is there for you always… but you know what sometimes, basing this from being one of the persons who is around dreamers like you…. sometimes, we do feel neglected… sometimes we do want to feel that we too are important… that you are happy with what you have as of the moment… with us in the picture….

    It’s not bad to dream… but sometimes…. you have to stop dreaming and appreciate the ones that you have accomplished so far…. It’s not bad to dream… it’s when you don’t stop, that’s when it turns ugly….You can only be a failure if you deem yourself as such… we are always too hard on ourselves… The world is not leaving you behind… it’s just a matter of perspective…. you’ve accomplished already so much…. it’s time to take stock at things and really be a grown up about it….
    Being a grown up doesn’t mean you’ll have no fun in your life… as I have said, it is a matter of perspective…. Happiness is a disposition not a destination…. you alone can control and answer your question when is it enough…..

    Missing you lans…. hope to talk to you soon… mwah!

    gigay

    • As always G, you have a way of putting things in perspective. I know you are always worried for me and I am happy that I have a big sister who is always there for me. I miss talking to you — especially times like these when I don’t have anyone sane to talk to. Looking forward to spending summer with you guys again πŸ™‚

  2. I wanted to say something as well…but gaemaree has pretty much said everything…and better pa!

    I used to feel that way with airphil too..parang walang naaaccomplish..which was quite true…now that I’m with the evil empire, early on I started complaining too…but like gae said, we should appreciate din what we have now. And yes, evil as the empire may be, it takes care of me…the folks here are kind to me (well, most are) kahit na di naman BFF mashado ang dating nung iba…and for that I am thankful.

    Again, gae is right…perspective lang…I know it’s hard to always be positive..believe me, araw araw kong tinuturuan ang sarili ko nyan..but you feel so much better when you think happy thoughts instead of not so happy ones. *hugs*hugs*hugs*hugs* virtual man lang, mahug kita. Shall I arrange another early morning coffee/breakfast date soon? Take care!

    • Please do! πŸ™‚
      The funny thing is I am not exactly inaapi here — I am kinda winning the approval of the big bosses. Maybe it’s because there are a lot of things that I see and that I don’t agree with. But yun nga, if I keep on complaining, I will die a lonely death. So I take it one day at a time… things are not exactly bad. I just refuse to see the good in things, maybe 😦

      Actually, I am glad that you are starting to gain your footing there. You are a very nice person, and its not hard to like you kaya.

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