Letters from the Snake Pit

First, we set the mood by playing the latest soundtrack of my life:

“Loser”, Beck

…and then, we proceed:

Dear KamikazeeGirl,

You are writing this under heavy pressure and stress and the nagging feeling that people are waiting for you to drop dead. You hated your 8-5 environment and silently plot on pulling a fast one. Yes, you are being your irrational yet highly-intuitive self. AGAIN. And yes, you are thinking of again and again on how your life seems like really bad on show TV.

You hate existing with people who act less than human, who take pleasure in bring pain to others, who assert what they have and what they lack by being overgrown bullies who delight in terrorizing people. Everyday you sit on your desk and watch (unbelievably, I must say) on how situations unfold. It’s like watching a really bad made-for-TV movie that no one but cable picked up.

You see people treated like useless piece of trash, their things discarded like garbage. You see people praised brilliantly only to be the subject of hushed whisper and ten thousand stab wounds to the back as soon as they are out of earshot. You’ve seen people slowly transform: from over enthusiastic newbies to dried-up, angry crones in just a matter of month. You have a feeling that this is slowly happening to you…that one of these days you will wake up and see yourself in the mirror. Voila, a withered old crone! This is not exactly good for your (slowly) diminishing self-esteem.

You are convinced that you are currently world’s greatest Loser (put L sigh here * points to forehead), and watching that danged video (above) doesn’t help at all in improving your fast-diminishing self worth. You are tempted to tempt fate, and have one great adventure, such as quitting your amazing (!) day job and earn a living backpacking and winging it in another country.

Every night, you try to update your blog and you ask yourself, “what am I going to do?” YOu are convinced that you’re heading nowhere and being a failure scares the shit out of you.

You have a vacation coming up on a weekend, yet instead of being happy–you are silently panicking. You are broke, you are barely making money and yet, you are going on a vacation. Sometimes, you amaze even yourself.

You always tell yourself that things will be alright and that God has a plan–but deep inside, you are silently panicking, screaming, asking for help.

I wish you can survive another hell week — you were never a quitter, after all. But how long can you turn a blind eye on what is happening. How long can you pretend that everything’s still alright?


One Comment Add yours

  1. fizzywoohoo says:

    Lanikun….I don’t know what to say…times like these sometimes it’s so hard to find the appropriate words to say. I feel bad that you were so looking forward to moving to this new company, only to feel like this a few weeks/months later. I hope you’re not regretting your decision to leave the other one? Be strong Lanikun! Remember (and this is what gave me strength before): The will of God will not take you where the grace of God cannot protect you. *hugs*

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s