Following the highs of being with friends on Saturday afternoon, I was hit by an inexplicable sadness come evening. I became easily annoyed (much to the stress of the long-suffering better half) and pensive. Lest you diagnose me as crazy, let me assure you that I have long suspected as much… (haha!)
Anyway, it might be due to the endless pressure (of earning a living, of doing well, of being someone my parents can be proud of, of procreating)…yet, somehow the gloomy atmosphere carried me well into Sunday afternoon lunch. So, when I was still resisting and scowling at the corny jokes of The Hubby (which always works for me) — I asked him if we could go to church earlier so I could have my one-on-one time with my Refuge.
Guess what? It worked.
Maybe, I just realized that I REALLY HAVE TO STOP WITH THE PITY PARTY…cos it’s not FUNNY, AMUSING, PRETTY (OR ALL OF THE ABOVE) ANYMORE! I really have to.
I can be very hard on myself, usually blaming my perceived ineptitude and shortcomings for whatever shitty situation I maybe in. Thing is, the more I beat myself up and the more I highlight these failures, the more that I believe that I have amounted to nothing. (31 years on earth and zero achievements…) That is what I usually tell myself. But then, good friends, and a husband who has made it his personal mission to save me from my own self, never fail to remind me that I am doing so well, that I have accomplished much. That the only problem is that I didn’t believe in myself the way other people do.
I think I need to realize that the world, no matter how “cruel” I think it may be… is exactly the opposite and has completely been very generous and kind to me. I really should be more strong to fighting negativity.
Again, I am amazed on how generous and wise He is — for giving me my family, my friends and the one person, M (my anchor and strength) who are always there for moments when even I refused to believe in what I have achieved and will achieve down the road. If not for these people, I am not sure if I will be the person that I am today.