wakarimashita!

Wakarimashita…it means I Understand.
Or do I really?

Two weeks into the new year and two weeks into my new job, I am beginning to ask myself if I still understand who I was. I loved the fact that I am challenged to excel in something I have almost forgotten how to do. I mean, it’s been two (three?) years since my last CorpComm/PR job.

The last year–I spend learning and discovering everything I loved about Japan–the language, the music, the culture, the people, the pretty, androgynous looking boys with dyed hair… thanks to my writing job in my previous job, which is with a Japanese-owned company. Somehow, even if I was not moving forward career-wise, I was surrounded by everything that I loved. I was speaking Nihonggo albeit very, very, very badly…I was given free Japanese fashion magazines, I was watching my movies and stalking my pretty boys in cyberspace. At my age, I somehow have an idea WHO I WAS, and what I was doing.

The year I spent with that company is like being trapped in a rabbit hole and not knowing that the world was ticking by. I was thoroughly immersed in the culture that I loved. That is until one day it dawned on me that I was missing opportunities just because I was chasing after my own guilty pleasures. While people around me was moving up–the only moving that I was doing is learning the crazy ass steps to Arashi’s songs. When finally after one really bad day of moping and mixed instructions (no thanks to my almost non-existent, almost useless Nihonggo language skills) and I got a bad scolding from the kind-hearted Shacho, I knew I had to move on with my life. And that means I have to find a job that is commensurate to my skills. I have to find challenge in my life. I knew, I was getting stagnant — and no amount of CanCam’s fall collection series or Jun Matsumoto’s brilliant smile can make me reconsider my position. And so I quit.

So yeah here I am usually working from 8:30 AM to 10PM, surrounded by projects that I needed to understand at the least possible time. After a year of doing almost nothing, I am again thrust to conquer my fear of failure. High expectations, unreasonable demands, top-seeded clients–they are my life now.

And while I am missing my “doing-nothing-but-Nihon-stuff-days”, I know I have to move forward. There’s more to life than staring at the computer screen, waiting for the latest Myojo issue to download.

It takes a lot of getting used to, but believe me– I understand. I understand my purpose for leaving and for going beyond my comfort zone. There are just days (like today) when I sorely missed the person who I used to be a year ago…

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2 Comments Add yours

  1. fizzywoohoo says:

    Same here…I mean I’ve been with the evil empire for…1 year and 5 already and there’s still that constant & nagging voice in me that fears failure. But we take it one day at a time right? Gae nga would always take out her imaginary hammer and hit me in the head because I’m always selling myself short and not having enough faith. We can do it..we’re worth it..we just have to believe lang.
    Yeah, I do miss your old nihon crazed self…before I can always expect to read something new from your blog almost everyday..now everytime i visit, I hardly see any activity. hahaha! Oks lang yan..busy eh. Take it easy ok? *virtual hugs from me to you* Fighting!

  2. lanilakwatsera says:

    Somehow I knew I really mellowed with all things Nihon.
    If you only knew Fizzy that I have a ton of things that I wanted to say, and that I miss doing nothing but searching the net for all things Japan. But anyway, there are really times that we have to also step out of the world of revelry and live in the now.

    This is really different from what I was used to. When I was cruising before, now I can barely keep up due to the challenges. Sometimes, I have to ask myself if the fancy title and the big paycheck and the chance to make for a name for myself is worth it all…

    Anyway, we shall find out. After all, everyday is an adventure 🙂

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