“Life lessons I should have taught my pathetic human…” (by your guest blogger, Sayuri)

your blogger for today - Sayusi Misa Matsumoto - Suzon

Oh, I am sorry — if you were expecting to read about those peaky haired, androgynous boys from Japan or weird Japanese-influenced Sartorial preferences. That is not happening today. My human, the bitchy crybaby you call KamikazeeGirl is currently indisposed as of this moment. (How indisposed? she is currently sprawled on the tiny bed I share with her, mouth hanging open asleep). She has left this “thing” (I heard she calls this thing Momo — I prefer to call this thing “nuisance”) on top of her bed and curious (as a cat — DUH) on whatever the fuss maybe, I decided to take a tiny, little, itsy-bitsy peek…Anyway, I know this blog means a lot to this funny, little (old) girl — and for the purpose of humoring her, I’ll be your guest blogger for today.

First, lemme introduce myself — I am Sayuri Misa Matsumoto-Suzon, and I am the biggest BITCH on our street. And yes, if you haven’t figured it out yet — I am also KamikazeeGirl’s cat. I have a dominantly black coat and the purrrrtiest green eyes you could ever see, a long slender tail and three missing front teeth which depresses the hell out of me and yet brings utter joy to my crazy human and her equally crazy husband…

Anyway, where were we? Oh, I am about to mention tips (or life lessons–whatever floats your boat) I should have taught my human long ago:

1. To get what you want, look cute — or at least PLEASANT. No one gives a sh*t to someone who is perpetually scowling or ill-mannered. The way I do it, I act cute — when I want some chips (my favorite food!) or if I want to have a piece of that yummy cake they were eating. What I do, I stand in front of them and then LOOK at them with these BIG PLEADING EYES. (Yes, exactly the way that fat orange cat does it in Shrek). Then purr ever so lightly and sweet — TADAAAAAH! I got them rolling off my paws. You won’t believe the things I get from my humans just by acting cute: I get sweets, chips (!) and even stuff toys (which I promptly separate the head from the rest of the body) just for being cute. The Queen (that’s my human’s sister) always delights in calling me ugly, but would then proceed to hugging me and petting me just because they find me irresistable. Oh, that’s another lesson: If you are ugly, then be adorably ugly. There’s no such thing in the world like an ugly cat.

2. Do not look too interested to keep ’em puny humans interested. I heard this also works well for human relationships. What I do is I don’t look eager when they try to approach me. I’d bring out my best “I am so bored, why don’t you go away please) look and they’d start harassing me and call me names (like princess, sayu, yuri) just so I’d climb up their lap. Euuuw, pathetic humans!This is the exact opposite of what that stupid dog does, Wonbin, who wags his tail just about to anyone, his mouth hanging open like the pathetic ugly dog that he is. Oh, if you wonder — me and Wonbin are ok, as in we don’t fight like the typical representation of cats and dogs in movies. Grovelling is not just my thing I guess.

3. No matter what happens, always recognize an opportunity – My human is big on staring on space — she does that always. Her tendency to fade out sometimes makes her lose in pursuing her myriad of interests. I say that when you want something — GO for IT! Like catching an extra big mice, hanging out behind kitchen doors and getting all the prime left overs. Me–I always go for the moment.

4. Thread lightly, but carry a big stick. Obviously, we cats are gifted with the ability to walk, run and even transfer without making a single peep. It’s better to be DEADLY and silent than be obnoxious and loud. Besides, my human can’t even walk without bumping into stuff. Me, I have the grace of a thousand gazelles which I put to good use when I needed to sneak out of the room. I can also keep still in the dark, frightening an unsuspecting human sometimes.

Anyway, this is it for the meantime, I need to keep my cards close, am I right? I’ll be back for my dishing–this blogging thing is actually ok as I get to flex my paws. For the meantime, I need to catch on z’s…and my space on that puny little bed is in danger as KamikazeeGirl is hogging all the space! Hmmmmn…I wonder how she’d like it if I sleep on top of her face?

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