silly mind games.

hey there, don’t you think you’re too old to play games–even if all its requires is your mind.
so what is it any way? black or white?
sometimes, the lines between positive and negative, yes or no, possibility and not becomes blurred and you start getting crazy just by trying to read between the lines.

i was raised by my parents to be timid, to be cautious on what i say. when i was young, i would think twice, thrice before i ask questions, give comments or even join conversations. it was always that way. i would suffer in silence trying to be polite, while i am screaming inside, spewing venom no one even knows.

but somewhere between highschool and college, i started to speak my mind and subsequently annoy, offend, delight, inspire, amuse and hurt people in the process. i found my voice and i never looked back eversince.

i know my personality can be rude and too big for new acquaintances sometimes, and i tend to ruffle a few feathers here and there. i maybe rude, but i do know when to shut up when i start (unknowingly) hurting people by my too abrasive personality. i would have loved to remain my shitty self and not mind, but i just can’t take it when i start hurting people, or when i start offending people. i am that sensitive — it’s not just obvious.

i managed to simultaneously offend and hurt someone this week and while i have apologized, i never wanted him to think that i am taking advantage of whatever kindness he has shown me. sometimes, people deal with hurt through a lot of things. and we went through that–the long silences and empty stares, i’ve seen it all. And i was just too wracked by guilt on how i was able to hurt someone that obviously means something (at least) to me.

and now, between walking on eggshells and avoiding the long intermittent conversations (addressed to no one and particular)–it’s an uncomfortable and gut-wrenching existence. i cant read minds you see, you have to help me out.