Sometimes, all I wanted to say was…

and like Edward (Scissorhands, OKAY???? SCISSORHANDS!!!!) the answer would be “I can’t…” (or better yet — “I WONT”)
And my heart does a thousand back flips.

Loneliness has a way of killing anyone softly, slowly — creeping into your life unknowingly. Next thing you know, you burst into tears on random places and instances; you device a way to shut up just so people wouldn’t see how effing of a LOSER you are; you shun the light cos the tears’ best friend is usually the dark (a cold dark room, a heavy blanket and three pillows).

On rare instances, you drink and try to forget. So you toast and roast your liver, spleen and all your worries combined on cheap alcohol and precious company.

On instances where money flows freely–you shop and unwind. You try four pairs of shoes (of the same style but of different colors) and you buy one. You buy unnecessary shit. You try to forget.

Or–if you are really desperate, you see things that aren’t really there. You put meaning unto things. At work, you try not to look behind you too much for fear that you see something that would make you forget of the existence of someone you effing love so much…

You try to avoid seeing the “aw-shucks” smile, chuck it to nothingness, meaningless meanderings often reserved for the flighty. You try not to notice. You try to be stoic. You try to be a nerd, a shitty pathetic nerd who says too much, but holds back a lot lot more.

It’s because you are freaking lonely. At home, you look at the four corners of your room and ask yourself, “Is it worth it…?”

You dare not know the answer. It scares you. So you sleep (or try to), wake up, go to work, pretend the whole day, keep things to yourself, go home, stare in space. The vicious cycle
continue.

3 thoughts on “Sometimes, all I wanted to say was…

  1. *hugs* lani-kun! i’m not the most sunshiny person on earth but i know what being sad & depressed feels like. we have our different reasons for feeling like a loser & we cope in different ways as much as we can.

    growing up i used to cry for no particular reason, would you believe? hay, i would listen to my all time fave senti-station (96.3 wrock hehe) and just bawl my eyes out! yeah, when money flows, i shop too..and eat. gahd i eat! hoping that the delicious food will fill up the emptiness inside–or drink ice cold coke. or i listen to my loud music..and turn up the volume even louder! you just want to drown in something other than what’s already drowning you.

    i’m not going to be preachy about what you should do…whatever it is that would make you feel better, you’ll do it on your own time. we all do. for now, here’s more *hugs* thrown your way from me! take care!

    ps: ava realized too late that she had a gift for you pala. she only realized it when we were having dinner na before the concert! sayang! i told her i’m not sure when our next date will be, but i’ll let her know so that she can give it. =)

    pps: i loved edward scissorhands too! this movie made me cry! epecially when winona was dancing in the snow!

    • thank you for making me feel better Fizzy!
      Yeah, it’s really the way life rolls — you just have to roll with it or you will end up lonely and depressed
      Anyway, there are things that can make me happy (you know 3 things in fact –)

      By the way, tell Ava I had so much fun meeting her. She’s so cool like you!
      Looking forward to our next date wherever and whenever that maybe 🙂

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