I have an annoying habit which I have yet to get rid off.
I easily get heartbroken over silly, little things and sometimes, this is due to setting my expectations too high.
When I was still dating the Hubby, I asked him not to make promises lightly or set dates just like that: the reason, I easily get hurt when the things I expect do not happen. Boy, we’ve have thousands of fights fighting over matters as trivial as a canceled coffee dates. Then I’d be all gutted and wrenched inside, thinking why things shouldn’t be the way they are. I think my heartbreaks stem from my propensity to hope and expect. I am a freak that way.
Maybe beneath this “bully” (as my beloved girls at the office call me) is a sensitive bitch who gets disappointed easily. Shit, I can’t even believe that “sensitive” can be applicable to a hard-hearted wise ass like me. You see, at the office I am always the one with the witty comebacks, the sarcastic retorts even to the boss and I am the one most likely to maim someone just being my clumsy self. To put it bluntly, I am not exactly the sensitive type. To put it bluntly, I am the type who looked tough.
But know what? I am a fucking crybaby inside. I easily get hurt and I cry easily. Mind you, I am not easily offended-but I am easily hurt. Figure out the difference. The other day I saw old pics with my friends (from the former company) and I fucking cried. As in bawled my eyes out in the presence of my current office mates. I am the kind of person who cries over sad love songs and pictures of pets dying or being maimed. I am the freak who cries during sad scenes and who tries to blame it on the bad lighting or the curry or whatever. I even cried during my own wedding–freaking bawled my eyes out while walking down the aisle, amidst the glare of lights and cheering friends and families.
And I easily get hurt and disappointed. If you’re the type who hates my guts and you want to hurt me–you can do two things: promise me something, then don’t deliver OR you can betray my trust. Words–most of the times–do not have an effect on me, probably due to my thick skin, but betrayal, disappointment and goodbyes will definitely wound me.
During times when I feel sad or hurt, I seethe inside and can’t wait to go home to unwind. Unwind–which means curl up with a good book, stare in space and just freaking ride it out until the pain disappears. I am quite melodramatic–shit, I am not a Drama Queen for nothing!
And when I am hurt, I easily don’t hear our excuses. Yes, I might understand them or even say its okay but deep inside, I am suffering and seething on little things that won’t matter probably the next day.
Today is that kind of day. Something that’s supposed to happen didn’t happen and I got pissed with the fact that I am (secretly) looking forward to this day. Secretly–cos I don’t want to look to eager or excited or whatever. And when excuses started piling up, I was gutted. Simply gutted beyond belief, with no recourse to accept things as they are. Anyway, I am a bit better now (as I am already blogging about it) — and the hurt and disappointment have passed already.
And oh, before I forgot the simple blessings coming my way…the big boss (the one who usually gets the end of the shtick when I unleash the bitch within) has given me a copy JJ Magazine, October issue — straight from Japan!
Whoa. You do know that I am addicted to Japanese fashion mags–and what I had was simply awesome! as you all know, I get all my fashion ideas from these Japanese fashion magazines. My favorites are JJ, CanCam, Nonno, Scawaii and Nylon Japan.
hontoni arigatou gozaimasu, sir!