Who’s your first crush?

From Thesaurus.Com:

Main Entry: crush
Part of Speech: noun
Definition: infatuation
Synonyms: beguin, desire, flame, love affair, passion, puppy love, torch
Antonyms: dislike, hate, hatred

I was reading an interesting blog post about crushes and this made me think on who was my first ever kilig-to-the-bones, pee-inducing crush.

This made me remember the boy-next-door with large set eyes, long eyelashes and curly hair. P was my playmate, starting from we were kids up to the time we were 12 years old and he had to leave for the States (I think). That was the last time I saw him.

From what I remember, P was a bit taller than me, speaks with a bit of American twang and had the reputation of being the biggest “lola’s boy” in our neighborhood (grandma’s pet). Among playmates, I will be the (barbaric) girl with messed up hair and torn shorts climbing on trees while he waits below, telling me to go down or his “lola” (bless her soul) will scold us. I would bully this young boy, ask him to treat me to snacks, listen to his interesting stories about traveling and marvel on how witty he was and eloquent. And while I was the girl and a lot smaller (and skinnier) than he, he indulged me with my bossiness and my general arrogance. Oh, he was a freaking dreamboat! I know for a fact that most of the 12 year old (and even older) girls then would scrawl his name on the ubiquitous slum book and with the ever innocent yet controversial question: “Who is your crush?”

..and they call it puppy love!

Me, I would just write his initials: PS. And since we really don’t go to school together–no one from my little public elementary school who PS was. I didn’t think that PS knew he was my crush cos he suddenly left after our last summer in elementary.

After two years, I was no longer barbaric. I enrolled in highschool in a exclusive catholic girls school and started cutting my hair and acting like I was a big hot shot. Yet, in spite my boyish ways, my crush then (and probably my biggest and longest teenage infatuation) is J. The legendary J who everyone in my street knew I was pining after back in high school and the first 2 years of college. In fact, I was so hung up on J that when he agreed to participate during the rose ceremony on my 18th birthday, I even kept the rose he gave me even if it was already wilted. Yes, pathetic was my middle name back then.

J was the exact opposite of P. If P was intelligent and kind, J was obnoxious, dumb as an ox yet so cool (to my eyes) that I would literally break into a sweat each time I see him walking down the street. J was tall, had eyes that would disappear when he laugh and walks like as if he was always on stilts. He is also the most obnoxious, annoying person I’ve ever met in my life yet I was so dumbstruck with him when I was young. J, during his younger long-haired years, bore an uncanny resemblance to a certain F4 member.

Of course, back then there is no chance in hell that J would see me even remotely as someone “worth checking out”. My boobs was almost non-existent, I was reed thin and I know nothing about make-up. In short, ang panget ko kaya nun! (I was freaking ugly!) While the preference of J as well as the other young boys was girls who are fair complexioned, sexy or had at least big boobs, knows make-up, knows how to flaunt their curves. To put it bluntly, they want girls who look “dalaga”. While I was the old playmate who sported a uni brow, no curves, no make-up, oily pa yata lagi face ko nun! I am pretty much a late bloomer and even at 16 years old, I still looked 12.

As I type this, I find it funny how we get to quantify our crushes when we were growing up, or teens in the midst of hormonal rages. Back then, having a crush was harmless fun, innocent and amusing at best. Something designed to humiliate the f*ck out of you to pieces when said object of affection has deigned you unqualified for his affections.

This is what I like best about crushes and the so-called puppy love. It was something worth a good chuckle, especially on cases where you just happen to remember how pathetic and young you were back then. But then you grow old, finish school, start a career, meet new people and start to fall in love–that’s when it’s not harmless or innocent or cute or amusing anymore. It becomes excruciating especially when your declarations of love was ignored or worse–goes unrequited.

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