I maybe the least person with self-esteem issues. I don’t have problems having huge, round eyes (Bette Davis’ eyes, they say), a short nose or even thick wavy hair. I don’t have problems with my height nor how small my shoes is. I am happy with myself, that is until I started getting fat and people started greeting me with this: “Ang taba mo ngayon! (you’ve gone fat!)”
I mean, what happened to good old “Kumusta?” What happened to basic manners?
I am 5 feet tall. When I was still in college and weighing a mere 90 lbs…that was okay. That was cute. But when I started working, growing up, stressing out, got engaged and eventually married, I gained so much weight that I now have problems looking for jeans my size. On my worst days, I look pudgy, fat and ugly that sometimes, I have to force myself to get out of the house and face the world.
From a measly 90 lbs, I now weight 140 lbs.–making me 20 lbs. overweight. Truth is, I don’t mind it on most times–as I now have the curves that I used to covet. But, deep inside I know that this is too much curve, too much fat and always wondered when it will go away. Then I’d ask myself if I am eating too much, have I become to much of a glutton not to notice my expanding girth.
What saddens me the most is the response I get from people, including my family regarding the change in my weight. It’s like I got a dreadful sexually transmitted disease each time they regard my “condition”. “Ang taba mo”, “anong nangyari sa’yo?” “Tumaba ka” With the way they say it, it’s like being fat is a big crime known to man. Friends would talk about how thin I was in college (and to think they call me “patpat (stick)” then due to my skin and bones. And now, I was the college classmate who got fat. This insensitive behavior among people, including my family and friends have made me allergic to any type of reunions as I do not have the tolerance to explain to people the change in my weight and in my girth. I also no longer have the tolerance for remarks that are meant to sound funny, but would often times comes as hurtful. Example: “kaya kayo hindi nagkaka-anak kasi ang tataba nyo!” (The reason why you don’t have kids yet is because you’re too fat
Someone actually said this to my face, and I wanted to tell him one thing: F*ck you and F*ck off!
I remember when I was stuck at home one time. I was wearing shorts and accidentally, my eyes wandered to these thick legs and the depressing dimples made by cellulite. I almost got sick just looking at my extra flabs, the love handles, the protruding belly and even the extra chin that shows whenever I look down. I remembered all the clothes I had to throw out cos they no longer fit. I remembered giving away one of my favorite dresses cos they make me look like a woman on its trimester. I remembered the fight I had with my dad cos he asked me to stop eating “kasi ang taba mo na”
I mourn all the clothes that I don’t get to wear. The pants and the short cutesy skirt saw from my Japanese fashion magazines. I wanted to try this and adapt it as my work wear only to realize that was possible if I was still a good size 0-2…Not now when my weight requires me to wear sizes 6-7, each piece reminding me that it’s okay to be fashionable but you have to look cool–not FUNNY or trying hard. Buying jeans is a nightmore nowadays–when size 33 would fit my rear but not my waist (my rear is bigger than my waist, thank God). It’s only now that I realize that it’s quote hard to be FASHIONABLE and FAT at the same time!
I do not want to remain this way. I had plans of losing all the extra poundage, along with the insecurities it gives me every single day of my life.. I vow to exercise, not to eat meat and lessen my carb intake.
More importantly, I vow to regain my remaining self-esteem and self-respect. Something that is NOT co-terminus with my weight or the amount of flab in my body.